Inspired to Reality

Question from a Reader:
How did you understand how you were stopping yourself from being happy? What made you realize where you were going wrong?

Believe or not, the most basic intelligence that humans possess is “pattern matching.” Instead of my normal knee-jerk reaction to a problem, one day I sat quietly and reflected. I had the same problem over and over with different people. I thought what is the common denominator here? What was the chances that this same issue was being caused by people with different perspectives and different backgrounds? Then I realized that it must be something I am doing over and over since I am the only common denominator.

I trained managers and was usually called in to solve difficult situations when people were ready to choke each other. One thing that comes apparent in these situations is that both the individuals involved believe they are right and the other person is wrong. Problem was that most of the time, both managers were right. They were just arguing because they could not see from the other manager’s perspective. Then it dawned on me that what you believe drives how you see the world. You believe another person is wrong….than everything that comes out of there mouth will be wrong. Believe it or not, you will ignore everything right and focus on what is wrong. I would eliminate this problem in managers by asking them if they honestly thought the other person did not know how to do their job. Most often they would have respect for the other manager and know they were very experienced. When they started to realize that the other manager’s perspective may be very important since they were “experts” in their area their conversations changed from battles to cooperation. Now they were interested in why the other person thought as they did. At this stage, I would sit back and allow them to solve the problem for themselves.

I tell you this to show you that people make up their minds long in advance that they want a conflict. If you believe the other person is “stupid,” “boring,” “wrong,” “not worth your time,” “ugly,” “unfaithful,” and so-on…that person will become what you believe. Your reality always becomes what you believe…if it did not, you would be in a mental institution.

Every action and reaction begins with a thought…unfortunately, many of us build up habits and reflexes to certain situations. This may cause us to act without thinking something through. I love to think of the example of Yogas walking on hot coals. They have conditioned themselves to a point that they can counter their reflexes. Think of all the difficult situations you are in as these hot coals. Will you have the discipline to cross them or will these problems keep you from what you want in life? If you truly want to be happy, nothing will stand in your way to achieve it.

In my own experience I found I had a lot of resentment towards my father and much of my reactions were caused by issues that I had never worked out towards him. Even though I had moved away from him and been on my own for 10 years, everything I knew about work and love had his influence. I took his perspective for a moment and realized that he would never purposely hurt me. He loved me and tried everything within his ability to prepare me for life. Once I saw it from his perspective, years of resentment melted away. His actions have not changed and he may still say things today that would have set me ablaze before…but now I just smile and see his perspective and think about what he is trying to do. The situation is now completely different and the only one that has changed is me. In the end, we are the only ones who can change anyway…so why battle fruitlessly to change someone else. Now, that I do not react adversely when in these negative situations with my family, friends and spouse I found I can actually bring them closer to understanding my perspective. Instead of yelling and screaming, you can talk and rationalize. Instead of a battle you are cooperating.

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